Grieving The Loss Of Normalcy

Hearing the diagnosis of your child's disability is overwhelming. Your wonderful child is now officially different from the majority of the population. Imaging what your child will have to go through in the coming years makes it all the more difficult.

Often times parents experience the a form of grief as their dreams for what the future should've held are shattered.

When Cameron was diagnosed I found myself moving through a range of intense emotions. One day I would be crying for the pain he will endure, the next day I would be angry at the world for doing this to us.

My son will struggle through school. It is difficult for him to maintain friendships with kids who do not also have special needs. It's hard for him to attend birthday parties. I question if he'll be able to go to prom, have good relationships with friends, even graduate high school.

I recently spent some time with a friend of mine's 11 year old daughter. Although she is only two years older than Cameron it was a completely different experience. There were no mood swings, we were able to go to stores with out temper tantrums or hyper active behaviors. I went home and was sad for myself. Sad for what I would not experience with my own son.

I feel guilty for feeling that way. I try hard to appreciate the good times and overlook the bad but it's challanging. I want for him to have it easier-- I want for all of us to have it easier.

Grieving the loss of normalcy is not often discussed. I think parents, much like I did, feel ashamed of these feelings. They feel that they don't have the right to compare and contrast their child to others and be saddended by what they will miss out on. But it's okay to feel this way. It's natural.

Joanne Woolsey {from the book Extraordinary Kids by Cheri Fuller and Louise Tucker Jones} is often called on to counsel parents of newborn Down babies. She tells them how much families come to love children with special needs — it seems to be universal. But she also tells them it's okay to grieve. "You have to grieve for the child you were expecting before you can accept the child you have," she says.

Some stages of grief that you might experience are:

• Denial. I can't believe this is happening to me.
• Anxiety. How can I possibly handle this?
• Fear. What will happen to my child and my family?
• Guilt. What did I do to cause this?
• Depression. My hopes and dreams seem to be lost forever.
• Anger. This isn't fair!
• Acceptance. I don't like what has happened. I don't understand why it happened. I don't know how I'm going to handle this.

It's common for parents to experience a all of the stages or just a few of them. Finding yourself stuck in one stage is also normal. Bouncing from stage to stage can happen as well.

So what can parents do?

The first step is to recognize the grieving cycles and know that it is okay to feel this way. Seeking help from a loved one or even a therapist can help the process along.

For some parents {like me} the grieving never stops but if you arm yourself with knowledge and tools to help you through can make the process a lot easier on the whole family.