Why is it a competition to have a worse mental health experience than another?

A very astute blogger this week wrote a blog titled “My Bipolar is Not your Bipolar, and that’s OK” .  I read this article and thought YES, this is what I keep saying over and over when people try to get up on their high horse and talk about how they had it worse than so or so. Or they are crazier than X because of Y.

The thing is, everything in life is on a spectrum. If you think you had it really bad, chances are there IS someone who had it worse.  And there is also someone who had it easier.

Are people really proud of being the craziest? Or is it the need for attention that drives them to want to be the craziest? And if the either is true, it’s a shame, because people with mental health issues need the support of other people with mental health issues.

How can a friendship exist between two people who are constantly trying to prove to the other that they are the king or queen of the crazies?

This blog entry is not to ride on the coat tails of the other blog entry.  It is just very appropriate today.

I read a blog by one of my favorite bloggers today who said that she was writing this entry "To prove, that I am in fact, crazier than you could ever hope to be"

The blogger implied that they had it worse than anyone could.  Now, there is a possibility that there was context confusion. But from the way I interpreted it seem to mean that the blogger thought there was none of their readers who could ever be more crazy and have had it harder thes they did/do.

A statement like that is just plain arrogant and attention seeking. What if you had a reader, who went through something similar and was happy to have found another person like them only to read a statement like that?  There is no sure fire way to ostracize a reader faster than writing that type of comment in your blog.

If the reader had it worse, they are going to be insulted and if they had it easier they are going to think that their experience will never matter to you.  From what little I know about you that is probably not your intention at all.

My sister also reads this blog. She went to the psych ward 3 times last year because of depression and psychosis which is in fact more times then she went. Does that therefore make her crazier?  Who flipping cares.

The point is, neither one of them is the craziest. They are two separate people who have suffered similar events and had different reactions and outcomes.

People like me, my sister and those in her support groups are who you should team up with and support and acknowledge that even though her journey’s are different, the destination is the same.

Making a statement like she did today is an insult to anyone who has ever suffered a mental health issue. I always try to be very careful about what I say with regards to my story because I wouldn’t want someone to feel what I feel right now.

For those who blog, you don’t know all your readers or what they have gone through, so please, don’t make bold assumptions.

Finally, no one ever hopes to be crazy. Maybe that was just verb confusion, but if she does, then she win, you are. in fact, the craziest.

Life is about not knowing, having to change & taking the moment without knowing what's going to happen next

My favorite activity is getting in the car and driving with absolutely no plan and no directions to anything.

I introduced my husband to this past time of mine when we were dating. So from time to time when the feeling was right we'd jump in the car and drive. If it happened to be a weekend Cameron was with his dad, we'd usually spend the whole weekend exploring.

These impromptu "trips" hold some of my best memories with my husband. We often reminisce about all the great times we had and all the hilarious dthings that have happened to us during these trips.

Now that the family has grown our impromptu driving is usually shorter and done over nap time on a Saturday or Sunday. The kids would sleep, we'd turn on great music and aimlessly drive talking, pointing out one thing or another. And laughing. We always ending up laughing hysterically while trying not to wake up the backseat.

But my favorite part of our drives are the things we find along the way; Crazy sculpture garden's created by artist from all of the country in the middle of no where, amazing places to eat, wild life and beautiful scenery, be it city or country, we don't discriminate.

And now that we are in a brand new state there is an entire state of sights to see and things for us to do.

Yesterday, we went to breakfast and were about to head home when I said "I think I want to go drive through the mountains today." So we stopped and filled up with gas, grabbed some snacks and drinks for the boys and left.

Somehow we ended up in Lake Tahoe. Which is, amazingly gorgeous.

We hiked around different areas and then saw a gondola. We hopped on, glided up 9,000 ft and ate lunch at the top. Sure, it was 40 degrees and windy and we were dressed for 80 but it was fun and completely worth it.

As my kids grow older, I hope that like me and my husband, these are some of the good memories they take with them.

I also hope they learn one that it's okay to just go somewhere with no agenda and not be afraid to explore what's outside.  I want them to know that even simple things like driving in the car can build relationships and that we as parents made an effort to teach them about the world around them.

Because sometimes, the most amazing things are found when you are not looking for them.

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. ~ Gilda Radner

My Letter to Pat Brown, no title. (You know, like M.D. or Ph.D)

This is a letter I submitted to Pat Brown. Yesterday, I asked her that if she does not believe chemical imbalances cause PPD then based on this logic she must refute all mental illnesses and asked her where she stands on these issues. Her response along with her facebook comments angered me.

Here is her response:

The mind and the body react to the environment around us and the manner in which we deal with the environment. We can make ourselves ill by repeatedly focusing on unhealthy food or unhealthy ideas. Now, of course, sometimes those unhealthy ideas are hard to escape when one is raped or one's child dies. It is a human reaction to obsess on those memories and traumas until we no longer can think of anything else. This makes us ill. However, the fact that we become sick from our thoughts does not mean we have a chemical imbalance. The "cure" is in finding a way to live with our past and present traumas. Some people do this with religion, others with logic, still others by helping others. Some use drugs and alcohol to avoid thinking about the negative issues. I personally believe the use of drugs to deal with issues is not the best way (except sometimes in emergencies to prevent suicidal ideation from being carried out). But, my real point in this issue is that chemical imbalance as an excuse for depression after birth of a child is overused by many without a shred of scientific support and IF we accept this unscientific cause of depression, then we must accept the insanity defense for all women who murder their children.

Do I think it will make a difference or that I am the only one who has sent her hate mail? Probably not. But it was something I needed to say because I just cannot let her off the hook for her continued assault against PPD.  Even if she did change her mind (she won't) she will never admit or retract her previous comments anyhow. But I am standing up to her and her ignorance and it feels good.

Dear Ms.Brown,

I have been following the postpartum discussions that you have been having on Facebook since your comments were removed in the AOL web article.  I have to say I am disgusted by your continued assault on postpartum depression.

As a woman, especially a woman of science, I would have expected a much more objective look at the situation, a lack of a definitive diagnostic test does not mean chemical imbalances in the brain are not a factor in regard to mental illnesses.  That hypothesis would need to be tested and go through the same steps as the alternative to become a theory.

We are all entitled to our opinions but your opinion, unfortunately, carries more weight than mine. You are a public figure, you appear on television and give your professional opinion on whatever criminal cases lies before you, as the saying goes, "with power comes great responsibility". You have a responsibility to the public to provide them accurate and dependable information.  When you mix your personal opinions in an area that does reach your realm of expertise ,people can often mistake your opinions as fact. That is where I feel you are being irresponsible.

Being in the legal profession with a background in psychology, I understand the urge to not want to let someone who kills a child "get off". You don't want them to not pay for their crimes because they claim they were depressed or schizophrenic or bipolar or "just had a baby and I want my old life back".  But apparently where your expertise fell short is “not guilty by reason of mental illness or defect” is NOT a legal defense. It's purely a mitigating factor.  VERY few people have successfully employed the above and it never means that the person is not responsible for their crimes, just that they serve their sentence (which may or may not carry a reduction) in a psychiatric facility. Which, in my opinion is probably the best place for someone in a psychotic state.  I would not want to place them in a prison untreated by professionals to continue to be a danger to themselves or others.

People who commit crimes have a variety of reasons why they do so. I am not here to argue this point. I don't know the stories of the people we hear on TV, I don't know their family history or past traumas.  I can't look at the TV and say someone is suffering from this or that.

What I do know that I suffered extremely severe postpartum depression and psychosis. I was hallucinating and was delusional and lead me to be hospitalized. And never ONCE did I dream of hurting my child. That was not ruminating thoughts, unhappiness with my life choices, past trauma or a psychopathic personality coming through.

I was not unhappy about having the baby that I wanted and tried hard to conceive for 11 months. I loved him from the minute he was born and wanted him there. But I STILL became depressed. I had a husband who I loved, another child, a beautiful house in a nice area. I was successful in my career as was my husband. We are well educated, decent people with  friends, family etc. I was a runner and a dancer and I ate all natural healthy foods, took my vitamins etc. Yet I STILL ended up depressed. So depressed I could do nothing but sit in bed and hold my baby all day.

I sought therapy both talk therapy and CBT. I still ended up in the hospital. My son is now 18 months and it has taken me until last month to feel okay. And it took 12 weeks of outpatient therapy, CBT, vitamins, ate healthy tried to get as much exercise as I could muster up and it wasn’t until I found the right combinations of medications did I feel a great deal better.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=risk-factors

The above is the risk factors for depression from the Mayo Clinic, one of the best hospitals in the country list having a baby as a risk factor for depression. The American Psychological Association also acknowledges postpartum depression as a mood disorder and contains the same risk factors as listed at the Mayo Clinic.

They Mayo Clinic also says:

It's not known exactly what causes depression. As with many mental illnesses, it appears a variety of factors may be involved. These include:

• Biological differences. People with depression appear to have physical changes in their brains. The significance of these changes is still uncertain but may eventually help pinpoint causes.


• Neurotransmitters. These naturally occurring brain chemicals linked to mood are thought to play a direct role in depression.


• Hormones. Changes in the body's balance of hormones may be involved in causing or triggering depression. Hormone changes can result from thyroid problems, menopause and a number of other conditions.


• Inherited traits. Depression is more common in people whose biological family members also have the condition. Researchers are trying to find genes that may be involved in causing depression.


• Life events. Events such as the death or loss of a loved one, financial problems and high stress can trigger depression in some people.


• Early childhood trauma. Traumatic events during childhood, such as abuse or loss of a parent, may cause permanent changes in the brain that make you more susceptible to depression.

Sadly, because it is only 2010 we don't have diagnostic tools with the capability to examine synapses of 10-100 billion neurons.  So you asking someone in cyber land to provide you "diagnostic proof" when you know very well there is no definitive test is ludicrous.  There is no specific diagnostic test for many other medical issues, take Parkinson's and Alzheimer's for example, it does not mean that there isn't a medical issue.  And it does not mean that chemicals and hormones do not play a role in any type of depression.

I do not disagree that your physical and emotional well-being can have a drastic effect on your mental health. Synapses change based on many factors and it can take a long time for your brain to rewire.

Therapy such as CBT is critical to the success of the treatment of any type of mental illness because of this. However, sometimes when you are sick orange juice and rest just doesn’t cut it and you need the help of medication.

There are many studies coming out all the time that support that there are chemical changes within the brain during depression. A study conducted using PET scans show there is a difference in brain chemistry between healthy brains and depressed brains.  This also is the case for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

Mental illnesses also seem to be genetic. There have been studies of twins separated at birth who exhibit the same mental illnesses.  I do agree that there are more factors involved than just brain chemistry but it seems to certainly play a large role.

There is also a commonality of symptoms between sufferers that is undeniable. It would be hard to believe that people from all races, cultures and socioeconomic statuses in every country all reporting the same or very similar symptoms and experiences simply have a poor lifestyle and are ruminating in the exact same way to cause depression.

Hormones do play a role in depression. The hypothalamus regulates the pituitary gland that, in turn, controls the hormonal secretion of other glands. The hypothalamus uses some of the neurotransmitters that have been associated with depression as it manages the endocrine system. These neurotransmitters, serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine all have a role in the management of hormone function.

Whether you believe you should take medication is your personal choice. The wonderful thing about living in the U.S. is we get to exercise our right to choose.  We get to choose whether we breastfeed or not, whether we eat natural foods or processed ones and that’s okay. This is what drives the continuation of research.

However, your beliefs regarding medication, the existence of chemical imbalances do not belong in your assessments any more than my opinions matter in a court room or religion in the government. If you become a expert in this area (ie: MD, PsyD, PhD) you can share your expertise on this subject with the public.

I take medication for the same reason millions of others do, because it works for me when nothing else could.

And if taking medications keeps you from profiling me, I will do so with enthusiasm.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

The Diagnosis & The End

I was trying to fit all of this into the last post but it didn't work and ended up at over 2500 words. Since I don't want to put anyone to sleep (anymore than they might be) this post is born.

What does it take to diagnose someone with something as major as Bipolar I. Hopefully a lot. It should take much more than one appointment, it should take much more than a few symptoms. I have talked to many people who have been wrongly diagnosed after only a brief appointment. There are so many other disorders that mimic the symptoms. ADHD (especially in children), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Schizophrenia (with episodes of psychosis) Major Depressive disorder (MDD). Even thyroid disorders and Cushings disease mimic symptoms.  If you have a doctor that will officially diagnose you without taking into consideration the above, find a new one.

After almost 8 months I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar I with co-morbid anxiety. My doctor believes that the PPD caused the psychosis which triggered an underlying bipolar disorder. Many times it can be a large trigger such as this or even so much as jet lag that can be a trigger for mania or depression from bipolar disorder.

Here is what it took for that diagnosis to even happen:

Severe depressive episode-PPD

psychotic break

9 day hospital stay

Head CT & MRI done while in the hospital (at least one is always done after psychosis)

Thyroid work-up (this can mimic some symptoms of bipolar disorder)

Testing for Cushings (again almost always done after a presentation of psychosis)

Other neurological testing (EEG & others) done in the hospital to rule out epilepsy.

A hypomanic episode

5 weeks of an intensive outpaitient program

6 weeks of a partial hospitalization program.

Months of psychotherapy

Manic episode with presentation of either dissociation or psychosis.

Let's not forget my family history: My mom is bipolar, it went untreated and she self-medicated with alcohol, my little sister has bipolar disorder and my niece has bipolar disorder.

Also how I responded to medication played a part in diagnosing me as well.

My medications and dosages have changed so much during this time that I can't remember all the dosages I've been on so I will tell you what I am currently taking and give a list of what I have taken.

Currently taking:

Lithium 1400mg-mood stabilizer (yeah, I know therapeutic is 900mg)

Lamictal 200mg-mood stabilizer (My dr. has suggested that this could be responsible for my manic episode and might switch me to Topomax)

Seroquel 200mg-atypical antipsychotic ( I can't tolerate any higher than this dosage without sleeping all day everyday, oh this has made me extremely fat. I gained over 40lbs on it and I want to get rid of it ASAP)

Trazodone 100mg--antidepressant, anti-anxiety and helps insomnia. (this is in a different class than SSRIs called serotonin modulators and is new as of this week so I am working my way up to 150 or 200mg depending on how I feel)

What I have tried:

Geodon- I felt great on this medication but it caused me severe tardive dyskinesia (muscle jerks) that even benedryl, Zofran, Clonidine and Klonopin couldn't get rid of.

Abilify- Antipsychotic (Horrible for me. I was severely agitated and angry the whole time I took it).

Depakote-Mood stabilizer (did nothing)

Klonopin-Anxiety (has the potential to be addictive and only worked if I kept upping my dosage)

And I mentioned in my previous posts about all the anti-depressants I have tried in the past.

Next up on the antipsychotic train is Risperdal. I would like to try this one to replace Seroquel. Members of my family have had great success on this, but I need to wait a bit to use it until I can find something that helps me sleep better so I can go off the Seroquel and switch to Risperdal.

My doctor and the doctors at the hospital have done a wonderful job making sure that what I have is in fact Bipolar disorder. I wanted something to shake my fist and curse into the wind at and I finally have it. And you know what? Having a firm diagnosis is not as satisfying as I had imagined. You are labeled, you are wrapped in a stigma and you are officially different than the rest of the population.

I have medication side effects, my hair falls out because of the lithium, if I don't drink enough water I become toxic, my hands tremor and it's hard to eat soup. I am tired all the time. I have to get blood draws very frequently. Sometimes they even makes me hallucinate. There was a long period of time where I felt I was moving backwards at warp speed even when I was standing still.

My career as a lawyer could never happen because of this diagnosis. Not because I can't make it through school, because I can if I am well treated, but because the  California Bar Association might not accept my application because of this.

There is a about a 8-15% chance (depending on the study you read) that my children could be bipolar. And in fact, my 8 year old has a diagnosis with Mood Disorder-NOS and has been hospitalized twice because of hallucinations. He has been on many of the medications I have. He has not officially been diagnosed Bipolar because it is much harder to be sure when the child is young and also it carries a tremendous stigma. Watching him struggle is awful and while I am not a religious person but I pray everyday that Felix doesn't have to bear this cross too.

I have to debate whether having more biological children would be irresponsible and selfish. I have to then consider whether or not I want to put myself through pregnancy. There is many medications I can't be on and have to change while pregnant. I lost my fallopian tube because of bipolar. I couldn't do the methotrexate shot because of medication interactions. I have a higher chance of ectopics and could lose my other tube if that happens. And there are many other considerations.

This is not to create some sort of poor Schwandy look what she has to suffer with post as these are not my challenges alone, these are the challenges of all people with this disorder. Does it eventually get easier? I don't know yet.

This is the end of what has been going on the last 9 months. This is why I stopped writing in my old blog on November 1st. This is why I was absent for the most part on all my boards this is why I distanced myself from many good friends.

I may have Bipolar I but I am not Bipolar.  I am still me, I am the same person. I am terminally optimistic, chronically sarcastic and well, occasionally inebriated, and not afraid any longer to be different.

And in some ways I am lucky. I get to work on the things that I have dealt with throughout my life, I get to learn new tools to change my response to things, I can admit when I am wrong, my skin is growing thicker and I get to learn new things about my character on a weekly basis. In time I might even be more emotionally prepared for life than 80% of the population. But it's not going to be handed to me on a platter, I have to earn it.

So we have reached the end of my story, I would love to wrap this in a bow and say I will live  happily ever after with my medications and therapy, but I can't. And really who can?  But I can tell you this,after 9 long months... I'm okay.

Confessions: The Aftermath

Previous posts to read before this one: Post 1, Post 2, Post 3, Post 4

After the hospital I returned to my intensive outpatient half day program. Dr. R kept my medications where they were. I was still coming down off the Lexapro I was at 10 mg at this point and still had a week or two to get down to nothing. Nothing seems to move fast when it comes to changing medication.

During this time I kept asking him about my diagnosis. It was a burning issue with me. I had to know what it was that has caused me all this pain. It's not that I thought if I knew I'd be able to fix it, but I just wanted to name it. I want to have something to shake my fist and curse at. He told me that we were leaving my initial diagnosis at PPD and anxiety but he wasn't ready to make a diagnosis as to what caused the psychosis.

After 2 weeks back in the program my insurance benefits would no longer cover an outpatient program (At this point I only got 30 outpatient days per year) so I prepared to start a partial hospitalization program at the hospital which luckily billed as inpatient so I could use those benefits to continue treatment. Thank goodness the insurance laws have since changed as mental health care is now billed as medical and not cannot put any limits on visits unless it is also done so for regular medical, as it should be.

I was really sad to leave this group prematurely. I met some wonderful people who I still keep in contact with. The therapist at the program, Lora, was amazing. I cannot possibly say enough good things about her and if she did clinic hours I would see her on a regular basis.

I prepared to start the new program. The day at PHP (partial hospitalization program) is pretty much like being in the hospital with the exception that you go home at 4:30pm, only see a Dr. 3 times per week and there was less arts and crafts (score!).  I would spend 5-6 weeks in this program.

A few days before I started the program a switch flipped.  I was no longer sad. Some cloud lifted and I was starting to feel something, I didn't know what it was yet,but it was better than feeling nothing.I was anxious beyond reason, but I wasn't sad. Despite the anxiety I was thrilled that my medications seemed to be working.

This feeling progressed, now I wasn't just not sad, I was happy. Happy.Happy.Happy!  I practically skipped into my morning group sessions. However, I could tell in this particular scenario happiness was not contagious, apparently it was annoying. Most..no all of the women in my group suffered from depression, so my chipperness did not bode well for them. Except when it came to asking what type of medication I was on.

As the week progressed, I found I couldn't pay attention, I was doodling and writing lists and lists of things to do all over my notebook page. My mind raced from one topic to another. I couldn't handle sitting in groups I couldn't sit still. I would take frequent breaks to pace up and down the hallway. And while I was happy I was also irritated with everyone at the same time. I didn't belong here, I wasn't depressed, this isn't even helpful for anxiety. How the fuck is relaxation supposed to help me when I can't sit still. I was fine, I was better...heck I was better than better. I was cured!! How feeble-minded they must be to not see that.

The next day on the way to the hospital I decided I didn't want to go sit there and listen to psychoeducational babble..I wanted to go downtown and shop. And I did. I shopped all day long. I registered for running classes, yoga classes, I bought new outfits for each of those activities. I decided to do some good in the world and signed up for 4 charities. I cleaned out my walk-in closet, I painted the bathroom. I was super-wife, mom, student..everything.

The Dr. decided to switch my medication. He put me on Geodon, Lamictal and Klonopin to see if that would level me out. This was my first diagnosed hypomanic episode. But no one bothered to tell me this (until ER visit 2.0).

I want to pause and talk about hypomania and mania for a moment because they are very different from one another and very often people mistake hypomania for mania.

Hypomania:is a state of mind and mood where a person may have excessive energy, little need for sleep, unusual exhilaration, irritability, excitement or aggression, some grandiosity, an increase in goal-directed activities and sometime pressured speech. The major difference though is that this does not cause significant impairment in their lives. Often people don't notice except that they are unusually cheerful.  However, hypomanic episodes can quickly become manic episodes. In order to have hypomania you must have at least 3 of the above symptoms.

You may laugh, but I love hypomania. I am happy, I have energy, I am productive and if I can manage some of the impulsivity it's not a bad place for me to be. It's WAY better than being depressed and oh- my- gah it's better than being manic.

Mania on the other hand is:  is the hallmark symptom of bipolar disorder, specifically bipolar 1 disorder. A person experiencing mania may behave wildly, irrationally, or dangerously, depending upon which symptoms are present.
Some of the symptoms are: pressured and rapid speech, talking without stopping and flipping between subjects quickly. Racing thoughts, grandiosity (thinking you have super powers or are simply the best that ever lived at something), hypersexuality (this one can be fun as long as you aren't straying from your partner and are using protection) and little need for sleep and feeling well rested after 3 hours or less of sleep.

Mania can be dangerous for the person who is manic and often leads to hospitalization (See ER visit 3.0 coming up)
Mania is also very often where you see people slip into psychosis. They can have delusions and hallucinations during this time.

In order to be considered manic according to the DSM IV you need to have at least 3 of the above symptoms and some Dr.s say they must be present for at least 7 days.
One of my mental health pet peeves is when people say they were manic, or had manic energy. That's very different from what mania really is and depending on the situation might not even qualify for hypomania.
A person can have racing thoughts, lots of energy and not be sleeping very well and that doesn't mean you are manic. These symptoms are also very common during depressive episodes and for those with anxiety. But if you are experiencing this, please speak to your doctor. Only he/she can really determine if this is a manic/hypomanic episode or not.

I left the PHP after 6 weeks. I felt good. Maybe I felt too good still, but who was I to complain about that.  Everything was going fine until I needed to refill my meds. Turns out the Dr. from the PHP program forgot to send the refill to the pharmacy. The pharmacy sent a request and I called. 3 days later-still no medication and I was starting to withdrawal in a scary way.

Enter ER trip 2.0, my husband took me to the ER because I started shaking violently as if I had been in the cold for hours. I also started to hallucinate, at first it was just fuzziness like heat waves on the pavement, but then I started to see things out of the corner of my eyes and huge black spots.

While I was in the ER the mental health nurse said that she had my file from the PHP (the hospitals are affiliated) and she knew about my Bipolar II, BPD, PPD and Eating Disorder, NOS diagnoses. I was shocked. I had no idea they had diagnosed me with anything. No one had mentioned anything about this even in the discharge planning meetings or at the final discharge.  What the heck did all this mean?

I never really got my answers. When I went back and started seeing Dr.R I asked him about all of these diagnoses. He said he had looked over the records and that he very much suspected Bipolar either I or II but didn't have enough information yet to support the other two. I did struggle with a lot of eating issues when I was in junior high and high school, okay maybe it was more than an "issue" but I didn't see the relevance now. I had talked about it in group but never expected that to be anything more than discussing past issues. And I knew nothing of BPD, nothing.

From there on out I saw Dr.R every 2 weeks and saw a therapist once a week. I also started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to help out with anxiety and mood changes. I met with an individual DBT therapist and went to a group for 2 1/2 hours once a week. DBT is a 16 week cycle that each patient completes twice. I stopped going because of the move, but I hope to continue when I find one in CA.

I am a true believer that EVERYONE should go to DBT and that they should teach this in schools. It really doesn't just apply to those with a mental illness. It applies to coping with life and relationships of all kinds.

Everything was going well with my medications and I was feeling good and then suddenly something slipped about 2 months ago. I went into a severe manic state. I didn't sleep for 7 days, I got pulled over and almost arrested for going almost 90mph in a 50mph zone. I paced in a circle around my living room for hours talking to my husband or anyone who would listen about anything. I didn't really eat and I would suddenly feel a need to run. And at 2am I would go for a run. Sometimes I didn't run but I walked up to 5 miles per night. If I wasn't doing that I was writing on my computer. I decided to write books. I would start one book thinking there is no way this won't be a best seller and then a few pages in I would have an even better idea and start something new.

The scariest part of that manic episode was walking downstairs one morning after what is likely only a few hours sleep and my husband gasping. I had over 47 cuts covering both arms and I had absolutely no memory of doing it. I am not a cutter so this is very atypical for me.

Finally, my husband called the clinic and they recommended I go to the hospital. I went, I was happy and sure that no one would find anything wrong with what was happening and they'd just send me home. Well, they didn't. They were dead-set on admitting me. I didn't want to go.

My husband made an emergency appointment with my doctor for 9am while in the BEC and let them know that he worked at home and would keep an eye on me. And if after my doctor appointment or med change if I continued to act that way he would bring me back. They let me go. In retrospect that was not a good idea. I did belong there but I didn't see it then.

Things for me have not quite been the same since that episode. I've begun to sink and feel more depressed since then. Which I've been told is very typical for after a manic episode. So my Dr. has been playing with some new combinations of medication to see if it helped.

I know I will have ups and downs and struggle sometimes. I'm not expecting a miracle to happen and that I will be cured, but I worry about my future with everything I do. I just don't want this to become all I am and keep me from all I can be.